Saturday, 11 March 2017

A black dog barking in the distance?

About ten years ago, while I was working on my master thesis, I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
It had probably taken a long time until I realized I was ill. That it wasn't normal to walk through the town crying, that it wasn't normal to see a car and think about when I would have to jump to be hit.
I had behaviour therapy and I took meds. But even so I still didn't manage to finish my masters degree.
After a while I ended my therapy, though tapering the meds took a while.

I knew it could always come back.

So since a few months I think it happened.
It's different this time. No suicidal thoughts. Instead I'm afraid. Mainly of something happening to my parents. I'm afraid there'll be a car crash when my father is driving.
What's similar to last time is the compulsive thoughts. I'm thinking about terrible things, in detail - but I don't want to. I imagine terrible wounds my parents would suffer. While on my way to visit my parents I wonder whether my father is having a heart attack at the moment, with my mother trying to save him - instead of looking forward to dinner like normal people.
I also feel a heaviness on me. Sometimes I don't know how I manage to get up and go to work. It seems that when I don't think about it, my body is able to move. I'm wondering at it from the outside, because it doesn't feel like I could go on anymore.

I hate my job. I hate most people there. I hate the work I have to do. I was supposed to be a conceptual designer, but now most of the time I'm a project manager for a project that is unlikely to succeed; and there's not much I can do about it.
I'm doing an online training course to change field. At work nobody knows about it. It's fun and I really want to finish this, I don't want to lose my chance again like last time when I had a depression.
At the same time, I'm applying for jobs in the new field. So far with little luck. The refusal emails come in, one after the other. Last year, I applied for jobs in the UX field, I had six job interviews throughout the year - and I didn't get any of the jobs. I'm pretty sure, I must be doing something terribly wrong.

So while I wasn't feeling well, I was still pulling through. When I see people with anxiety or autism on Twitter or think about my cousin with multiple sclerosis, I feel like I have no right to complain. Maybe I'm just tying to get the easy way out from my current job?
After all, I still enjoy doing certain things like reading or watching movies - which is non-typical with depression.

Even so, last Wednesday I talked to my doctor about it. I explained the symptoms. He agreed that it could very well be a clinical depression. We did a blood test to check my vitamins, etc. Yesterday morning I called to ask about the result. The blood test results came back OK.

What am I supposed to do now?
I have no idea how I'm supposed to fit therapy hours into my schedule (which involves lots of commuting). I really want to finish my training, I want to work in another field. I don't want to have to end it, failing again, because of depression.

My health insurance offers an online monitoring and supervision for people who are depressed. Maybe I'll ask about this.
But in the end, it'll just add more to the things I have to do.

I really don't know what I should do.

No comments:

Post a Comment