Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Antidepressants, Day 2

Yesterday I started with my antidepressants.
I nearly didn't. After reading the package insert I thought that maybe I wasn't feeling so bad after all, at least not bad enough to take these risks. Side effects include nausea, dizziness, sleeplessness, vision disorders, seizures, etc. Now, I live alone and I was really afraid that something could happen to me and no one would notice and no one would be there to help.
So I sat there with the pills for quite some time, not daring to take one and thought about how ridiculous it is that pills against anxiety would cause you to be afraid of taking them.

I took one, in the end. I told myself that just one couldn't do much bad. And then today I told myself that since so far nothing bad has happened, another wouldn't hurt.
So far, I have only noticed a slight dryness of the mouth and a little nausea - but since I'm often a little nauseous because of my allergy, it's hard to say whether that's really a side effect.

I also decided on a whim that yesterday would be a "No-Obligations-Day". I'd do nothing that I didn't want to. No chores, no grocery shopping, no answering mails from work, no organizing doctor's appointments, no tasks for my training, no going for a walk (if I didn't want to).
In the end I spent most of the day napping. Maybe that was good for my cold, it was the first day in a week that I didn't have a headache.
I lay on the couch, following the ray of sunshine and thinking back to when I would lie on the floor with our late cat, doing just that. When just lying on the floor in the sun with your cat was an acceptable way to spend your time.

I guess these "No-Obligations-Days" might work a little better if you could prepare for them. In the end I still felt a little guilty for not doing some things, even though I told myself that a day later wouldn't make a difference.

I hope I can be a little more productive the next days. I always tend to plan to do lots of things when I'm off work and sick, "at least on the last days when I feel better". There's spring cleaning, job applications, tasks for my online training, tidying up the mess, watching series and writing reviews, reading... And in the end I always feel like failing, because I don't get much of it done.
As always there are two voices in my head. One says "take it easy, the doctor said you should stay home for a reason, if you plan to much you'll just feel bad for not doing it". And the other goes "yeah, but look at this mess, I'm never going to clean it up while at work and now I'm home all day, I should at least be able to spend 2 hours on something, that's not much".

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